Good Adult Jokes

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mawjav said:
When Westerners reach orgasm, we say, “I’m coming!”
When Japanese reach orgasm, they say, “Iku!”, which means, “I’m going!”
When we reach orgasm together, we don’t know if we are coming or going!
Click to expand...
Optimist: I'm coming!
Pessimist: I'm going!

Realist: I'm traveling!
 
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Family Guy ‘s double entendres never disappoint. 😆 Here’s Lois Griffin and the handyman.

 
A couple was driving on a country road at night. The wife says, "Hey, there's a dead skunk in the middle of the road. Let's check it out." Husband says, "Sure." The wife discovers that the skunk is nearly frozen, but still alive. She asks the husband, "Can we take him and let him warm up while we are driving, and then let him go?" The husband agrees. As they are driving, she has the skunk in her lap, and asks, "Where can I put him to thaw out?'' He says, "How about between your legs? It's warm there." Wife says, "What about the smell?" Husband replies, "No problem. Just hold its nose."
 
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
 
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A guy goes to confession and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing and I used the "F" word. The priest says, "tell me about it, my son".

The man says, I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left". The priest says, "oh, you must have said it then". The man said, "no, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway."

The priest says, "and then what happened?" The man said, "I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right" . The priest says, "so that's when you said it?" The man says "no, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough".

So the priest says, "oh, so that's when you said it, then". He said, "no, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup"

There's silence for a while, and then the priest says, "don't tell me you missed that fucking putt…"
 
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A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.

"Yes doctor I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately no one can hear them or smell them. In fact I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn't hear or smell them, could you."

The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, "I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral."

"The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better."
 
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Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

Sure enough, a few days latter she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter and says "Young man, I would like to buy a condom please". The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?" The old woman pauses, then replies "I need one that will fit a camel".
 
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The Priest and the Rabbi have a Saturday afternoon tee time. The Rabbi shows up at church, and sees the Priest still has a line for his confessional. "How hard can this be"? So he gets in the other confessional and starts taking care of business. A few Hail Mary's and Our Fathers later, he gets a woman in the confessional that appears to be addicted to oral sex. She's blown the mailman, garbage man, and butcher, just this week. The Rabbi opens the back door and says to an altar boy in the back, "psst, What does Father Murphy give for oral sex?" Altar boy says matter of factly, "Two Oreos and a cup of milk"
 
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