Good Adult Jokes

Discussion in 'Everything Else' started by hawaiianhawk, Aug 25, 2018.

  1. hawaiianhawk

    hawaiianhawk TAG Member

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    French and Australian guy in a bar arguing about which country has best kissers. French guy argues everyone knows about the legendary French Kiss. Australian guy says no Australian Kiss is even better. In walks a beautiful brunette, sits between the two arguing guys. Frenchman asks her what is better a French Kiss or an Australian Kiss. Brunette says it must be the French Kiss cause who has ever heard of an Australian Kiss. So French guy proceeds to gloat and gives the gorgeous brunette a French Kiss. She is shocked but responds by kissing him back. She then turns to the Australian guy and says I think the French Kiss is hard to beat. She then tells the Australian guy, by the way, what the hell is an Australian Kiss anyway. Australian guy says let me show you since the Frenchman got to give you a French Kiss. She responds, well just tell me first so I can decide if I want an Australian Kiss or not. Australian says fair enough. Australian Kiss is the same as the French Kiss but we do it downunder.
     
  2. Manami TMK

    Manami TMKManami TMK is a Verified Member Tokyo Escort

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    In English, French kiss is deep kiss with tongue action, correct?
    It is interesting that French kiss / フレンチキス in Japanese term can be often used for the opposit meaning = light kiss :)

    https://kiss.moterujyoshi.com/entry6.html
     
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  3. AMcguyver

    AMcguyver Here for the entertainment value...

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    A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
    "I'm going down to give blood."
    "How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
    "About $20."
    "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
    The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
    "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
    "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
     
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  4. Simonka

    SimonkaSimonka is a Verified Member Independent European Companion

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    An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.




    The Greek: We built the Acropolis!

    the Italian: We built the colloseum!

    The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!

    the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!

    The Greek: We discovered sex!

    Italian: And we introduced it to women!


    This is a terrible one, but here you go. It can’t be unread.
     
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  5. just4fun

    just4funjust4fun is a Verified Member Skeptical? Who me?

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    After seeing the above...........

    How do the Greeks separate the men from the boys?

    With a crowbar.
     
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  6. Majestyk

    Majestyk TAG Member

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    Here’s an oldie:

    A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating.”

    The guy replies, "Why, doc? Am I going blind?"

    The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

    C5FD8711-A836-4EF9-BC50-27DF7060D72D.jpeg
     
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  7. Sudsy

    SudsySudsy is a Verified Member Forever blowing bubbles....

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    So I was flying down the road the other day, passed over a bridge only to find a cop with his damned radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop popped his cherries, pulled me over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "Well now old son, what"s your hurry?"

    To which I replied, "I"m late for work."

    "Oh yeah?" said the cop, "Just what do you do that requires you to be at work in such a hurry?"

    "I'm a rectum stretcher." I responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what, now? A rectum stretcher? And. tell me boy, just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I break out the tools and I slowly but surely stretch it, until that rectum's about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what the HELL do you do with a 6 foot rectum? " he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
     
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  8. just4fun

    just4funjust4fun is a Verified Member Skeptical? Who me?

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    Now you've got me going......

    An elderly couple pull into a gas station at the pumps. A guy comes running over and the old man (who's driving) rolls down the window and the guy says "May I help you?" Before the old man can answer the woman next to him says "What he say, what he say?" The ol man looks over at her and calmly says He wants to know if he can help us. Ol man looks back at the guy and says "Fill'r up". The guy asks "regular or premium?" Before the old man can answer the woman goes "What he say....what he say". Ol man again calmly looks at her and says, He wants to know if I want regular or premium. Ol man looks at the attendant and says regular. Guys starts pumping in the gas and puts it on auto and comes back to the window and says "What me to check the oil"? She goes, "what he say , what he say??? Once more the old man explains to her calmly that they asks if I want him to check the oil. Ol man says, "Yea, go ahead". The old guy decides to get out of the car and stretch his legs. The attendant reaches down to unlatch the hood and sees the licence plate. He says "Wow, Texas, worst piece of ass I've ever had in my life was from Texas" Old woman yells "what he say....what he say??? Old man says "He thinks he knows ya".
     
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  9. User#8628

    User#8628 TAG Member

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    Japan joke (i copied straight from another website though):
    A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

    source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/golfjokes/wrongholegolfjokes.html
     
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  10. oLUXo

    oLUXooLUXo is a Verified Member Looking for sugar

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    This is one of my favorites.

    Visiting a clinic one day, Joe looked into the nurses eyes and said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"

    "Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

    "Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

    Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.

    A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.

    "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me.
    On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

    "It's swollen," Joe replied.

    Things went downhill from there.
     
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  11. oLUXo

    oLUXooLUXo is a Verified Member Looking for sugar

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    So, I'm from the South in the USA (Louisiana) so this is a type joke we like to tell. We call them Boudraux jokes and you can find a bunch online. Most probably won't seem funny to some because it's kind of Louisiana humor. This one is an oldie but goodie. It's not dirty, but it's funny. Hope you enjoy. Don't take the martial art styles seriously in the joke, it's meant to be that way ;)

    A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. "I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says. Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing. The big man hits him again. "Judo from Japan." L'il ol' Boudreaux once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his beer. The man grabs him putting Boudreaux in a state of suspended animation. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea." After a few minutes, Boudreaux is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool he walks out. Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk square in the head with the board, laying him flat out on the floor. Looking down at his tormenter, Boudreaux says, "Two-by-four from Home Depot."
     
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  12. TheScientist

    TheScientist TAG Member

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    Just goes to show how katakana ruins everything.

    You win!

    Wow, heard that from my uncle at least 40 years ago only he told it in the first person!
     
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  13. User#8628

    User#8628 TAG Member

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    I read it somewhere in a jokes book as a kid, then remembered it in this case because it seemed so fitting. I had to google again how it went exactly though.

    Did you believe it actually happened to your uncle at that time?
     
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  14. TheScientist

    TheScientist TAG Member

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    I was young and innocent in the ways of the world. He'd spent years in the navy frequenting bars and whorehouses so it seemed credible at the time.
     
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  15. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Love this one! ;)
     
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  16. Majestyk

    Majestyk TAG Member

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    Here’s another oldie from the doctor’s office:

    A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.

    The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. The guy ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

    "Well, I did everything you suggested,” he tells the doctor a week later. “The boss let me leave work an hour early. I rushed home, slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Susan in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went at it on the coffee table."

    "And did you enjoy it?" the doctor asks enthusiastically.

    "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully. “Somewhat, but the Bible group thought it was really neat."

    80F7D354-240D-4EE1-92FA-3CEFE204ECE0.jpeg
     
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  17. Mr 3

    Mr 3 TAG Member

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    What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
     
  18. hawaiianhawk

    hawaiianhawk TAG Member

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    what do you call a streetwalker with a runny nose? She's full
     
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  19. Poppasmurf

    Poppasmurf TAG Member

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    My go to

    Why shouldn’t you talk to two tampons walking down the street?
    Because they’re stuck up cunts.
     
  20. Mr 3

    Mr 3 TAG Member

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    What I thought was funny was that 4 out of the 5 people who liked my joke were women. Go figure! :D
     
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  21. oLUXo

    oLUXooLUXo is a Verified Member Looking for sugar

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    Well, I don't golf so I have no intent to find golf balls. Now G-Spot is different on a lot of women and I LOVE to explore a womans body to find them. (y)
     
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  22. AMcguyver

    AMcguyver Here for the entertainment value...

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    Speaking of golf...;)

    The Rules Of Bedroom Golf
    1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls
    
2. Play on the course MUST be approved by the owner of the hole.
    
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
    
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.(Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play.)

    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length so as to avoid damage to the hole.
    
6. In some cases, and at the owner's discretion, playing or entry fees may be required.

    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. The experienced player will normally take their time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers. 

    8. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

    9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they are currently playing to the owner. Upset course owners have been known to severely damage a player's equipment for this reason. 

    10. Players are encouraged to bring the proper rain gear for protection. 

    11. Players should not assume the course is in playing condition at all times. Players may be embarrassed to find the course temporarily out of service. Advanced players will find alternate means of play. 

    12. Players should assure that their match has properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played. Previous players have been known to be IRATE if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course. 

    13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back-nine. 

    14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.

    15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

    16. The course owner will be the SOLE judge of who is the best player.
     
  23. User#8628

    User#8628 TAG Member

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    Oh i like those!
     
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  24. Ocean

    Ocean Full fathom five

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    I was sad when I heard Michael Jackson died.

    Turns out CPR isn’t as easy as ABC
     
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  25. Frenchy

    FrenchyFrenchy is a Verified Member Peace, Love and Camembert

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    Horrible but made me laugh, thanks! :ROFLMAO:
     
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