Good Adult Jokes

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Three mice are sitting at the bar, knocking down a few whiskys. They get to bragging and the first mouse says, "yeah they put rat poison out at my place; I've developed a tolerance to it, in fact I kind of like it now—I sprinkle it on my cereal in the mornings."

The second mouse says, "Meh, that's nothing. They use those mouse traps at my place. I take the cheese and spring the trap, when the bar comes down, I grab it, do some chest presses to keep my pecs in shape, and then enjoy the cheese."

The third mouse gets off his bar stool, puts on his flat cap and heads to the door; turning to the other mice he says, "God, I've had enough of this bragging. I'm going home to screw the cat."
 
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This was an old favorite of mine from my crazy uncle.

3 vampires walk into a bar and take a seat.
The first vampire says, "Give me the usual."
The bartender replies, "sure thing boss, one pint of AB+ blood"
The second vampire says to the bartender, "I feel a bit tropical today."
The bartender says, "gotcha! here is some virgin blood with a dash of lemon and coconut."
The third bartender says, "I would like a cup of hot water please."
The bartender looked at him with a puzzled expression. "What? Are you sure? Not blood?"
The vampire answered back, "yes I am sure. I am tired of your cold drinks. One cup of hot water please."
The bartender shakes his head and brings the vampire a steaming cup of water.
The vampire smiles as he receives the cup and takes out an old Tampon. "Finally, time for a good cup of tea"
 
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A 6-year-old little girl comes to a pet shop and asks in a childish voice:

- Good mowning sir, do you sell wittle wabbits?

- Why, of course, my princess! What color would like the rabbit? Black or white?

- Actuwally, my python doesn't give a fuck what color his dinner is.
 
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SquidCity said:
Yes, and I blame the French for this
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Why? It's not even French, it's some Japanese marketing person doing the same thing to French that they do to English.

Pretty sure they were trying to say "coucque suisse" and somehow came up with couque d'asses - "asses" isn't even a word in French.

Langue de chat is "cat's tongue" which actually is used to describe that shape of biscuit, and is the only correct French on the package.
 
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Sudsy said:
Why? It's not even French, it's some Japanese marketing person doing the same thing to French that they do to English.

Pretty sure they were trying to say "coucque suisse" and somehow came up with couque d'asses - "asses" isn't even a word in French.

Langue de chat is "cat's tongue" which actually is used to describe that shape of biscuit, and is the only correct French on the package.
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I still blame the French for this.
 
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