Guest viewing is limited

Meditating about my relationship

Sudsy said:
You'D never marry for huuuuuuuuuuge..... tracts of land?
Click to expand...

We sold the huuuuuuuge tracts we had in America to finance Napoleonic wars. Great deal for the U.S by the way.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pk24
FitGuyJapan said:
Let's face it. The relationship isn't working, you are just hopefully searching for another solution that doesn't involve a painful break-up and being single again. I'm sorry, better to bite the bullet and get on with your life and search for a person better matched to your personality and lifestyle.
Click to expand...

The only good post in this topic. You hit the nail on the head.

Cherish the good moments, wish her the best and move on with your life.
 
  • Like
Reactions: FitGuyJapan
Bulbasaur said:
I'm sorry if i miss tape something or have grammar errors here and there.
I know that it is probably a mistake to ask advice over strangers in the internet, but i would like to know more about my situation seeing from the outside..

Be me, 28yo living togheter by 3 years with a 27 yo jp girl.
She espect to marry in the future (really near one) and to have childs, but she kind of accept that in my country and culture we don't do childs often when we are on our 20s and we don't marry too on most of the cases.

She has a lot of cool features, and i like her body too.
Ofcourse after 3 years sex became stale, and sadly, she is not soo much into making it on a daily basis as i would like (she don't particulary enjoy sex either, a problem she had in every relationship even on her past) that's is a big thing for me..

On the last months i did even seen many things of her character i dislike.. As she became more and more selfish (maybe she was always, but was hiding it?) But overral our life togheter is not a bad one.. But is not even an exciting one..

I could continue to live like that ofcourse.
But i really feel "i'm just settle for it", but on the same time i could and should have a more exciting life.
And i'm not sure if i will never accept the compromise to make a family with a person, that i love yes, but.. That i don't see the person i would like to stay for all the life.

Then after all that, i'm thinking i should just gave up on the relationship.
In the end, i'm wasting her time, if she want to have a family.. And the girl's age is a real deal in japan..

Did you came accross something like that in your life experience? And how did you handle it?
Click to expand...

Relationships are hard and scary, but what's even harder and scarier is sticking with someone out of fear of being alone, or out of fear of making them sad.

When you entered this relationship with her you were already slightly deceiving her, you knew her expectations in the relationship, her wants and needs, and you didn't want to give her those things.
You should have saved her the last 3 years of her life by breaking up with her once you realized she was looking for marriage and children while you were not. There are just as many women as men in the world who don't want marriage and children, so why mismatch yourself to someone whom you're going to disappoint in the end?
If you think to yourself "Well maybe someday in the future I will want those things" then still you should have let her go, maybe someday in the future when you want those things you will find another person who also wants that, or maybe you and her could have even gotten back together, who knows, but instead she's missed out on 3 years of opportunity to find that happiness in life she seeks in hopes that maybe you would change for her.

When you found out she wasn't as sexual as you, you should have had a hard conversation with her to make arrangements for that, or break up with her. If you love someone but aren't sexually compatible or are on different sexual wavelengths that's ok! There's nothing wrong with having a close, loving relationship where you might need to find your satisfaction elsewhere as long as you are open and honest with her about it, but instead you are probably pressuring her into uncomfortable situations for your satisfaction and she's dealing with it in hopes that you'll eventually give her what she wants.

This is most likely why you are seeing her as being selfish now or the sex as stale, not because she's changed, but because you're getting tired of her NOT changing for you, and she's getting tired of you not changing for her.

But I get it, lots of people do this, they marry people they don't even like because they're more scared of being alone, they stick with relationships that are deeply not healthy because they've been told "That's how relationships are supposed to work" when they don't actually have to work that way. There are people out there whom you can be with where your relationship will be exactly what you want as long as you are willing to openly listen and provide them what they want in exchange, but once you start making demands or having expectations that they can't or won't fulfill, and start failing in providing for their needs and failing their expectations is when things start to break apart, and if you can't openly communicate about these things then you will just start gathering resentment until you can't even be friends.

I have come across this in my life, I don't monogamously date BECAUSE of this kind of thing.

My first boyfriend from High School had the expectation that we were going to get married after University, and put off going to University because he didn't want to be away from me while I was going to school since he got accepted at a different school, expecting that I would put off my life once I graduated to help support him when it was "His turn" to go to school. I IMMEDIATELY Broke up with him and told him to go to school, he was hurt yes, but he went to school, and has a great job now, a loving wife and three kids, things that had he waited around 4 years doing nothing he might not have gotten (especially since I am NEEEEVER Having children)

My last boyfriend in Japan put expectation after expectation on me to essentially be his mother, but when it was his turn to do anything for me he suddenly had no time and no money. I put up with it for far too long because I was lonely but there is no reason to put up with someone whom you're not compatible with, there are 7 BILLION people on this planet, you absolutely can find someone just for you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: FitGuyJapan, AliceInWonderland, Majestyk and 1 other person
DanniCake said:
Relationships are hard and scary, but what's even harder and scarier is sticking with someone out of fear of being alone, or out of fear of making them sad.

When you entered this relationship with her you were already slightly deceiving her, you knew her expectations in the relationship, her wants and needs, and you didn't want to give her those things.
You should have saved her the last 3 years of her life by breaking up with her once you realized she was looking for marriage and children while you were not. There are just as many women as men in the world who don't want marriage and children, so why mismatch yourself to someone whom you're going to disappoint in the end?
If you think to yourself "Well maybe someday in the future I will want those things" then still you should have let her go, maybe someday in the future when you want those things you will find another person who also wants that, or maybe you and her could have even gotten back together, who knows, but instead she's missed out on 3 years of opportunity to find that happiness in life she seeks in hopes that maybe you would change for her.

When you found out she wasn't as sexual as you, you should have had a hard conversation with her to make arrangements for that, or break up with her. If you love someone but aren't sexually compatible or are on different sexual wavelengths that's ok! There's nothing wrong with having a close, loving relationship where you might need to find your satisfaction elsewhere as long as you are open and honest with her about it, but instead you are probably pressuring her into uncomfortable situations for your satisfaction and she's dealing with it in hopes that you'll eventually give her what she wants.

This is most likely why you are seeing her as being selfish now or the sex as stale, not because she's changed, but because you're getting tired of her NOT changing for you, and she's getting tired of you not changing for her.

But I get it, lots of people do this, they marry people they don't even like because they're more scared of being alone, they stick with relationships that are deeply not healthy because they've been told "That's how relationships are supposed to work" when they don't actually have to work that way. There are people out there whom you can be with where your relationship will be exactly what you want as long as you are willing to openly listen and provide them what they want in exchange, but once you start making demands or having expectations that they can't or won't fulfill, and start failing in providing for their needs and failing their expectations is when things start to break apart, and if you can't openly communicate about these things then you will just start gathering resentment until you can't even be friends.

I have come across this in my life, I don't monogamously date BECAUSE of this kind of thing.

My first boyfriend from High School had the expectation that we were going to get married after University, and put off going to University because he didn't want to be away from me while I was going to school since he got accepted at a different school, expecting that I would put off my life once I graduated to help support him when it was "His turn" to go to school. I IMMEDIATELY Broke up with him and told him to go to school, he was hurt yes, but he went to school, and has a great job now, a loving wife and three kids, things that had he waited around 4 years doing nothing he might not have gotten (especially since I am NEEEEVER Having children)

My last boyfriend in Japan put expectation after expectation on me to essentially be his mother, but when it was his turn to do anything for me he suddenly had no time and no money. I put up with it for far too long because I was lonely but there is no reason to put up with someone whom you're not compatible with, there are 7 BILLION people on this planet, you absolutely can find someone just for you.
Click to expand...

True, but technically if you’re heterosexual (or purely homosexual for that matter) it’s only about half of 7 billion. That limits the perimeter.
 
Frenchy said:
True, but technically if you’re heterosexual (or purely homosexual for that matter) it’s only about half of 7 billion. That limits the perimeter.
Click to expand...

Yeah, but if you skip the very selfish notion of "just for you" and timeshare then the chances get higher.

And not to forget there are more than 450 million goats too in this planet.
 
DanniCake said:
There's nothing wrong with having a close, loving relationship where you might need to find your satisfaction elsewhere as long as you are open and honest with her about it, but instead you are probably pressuring her into uncomfortable situations for your satisfaction and she's dealing with it in hopes that you'll eventually give her what she wants.
Click to expand...
Exactly ❤️
 
  • Like
Reactions: MissInsomnia
DanniCake said:
Relationships are hard and scary, but what's even harder and scarier is sticking with someone out of fear of being alone, or out of fear of making them sad.

When you entered this relationship with her you were already slightly deceiving her, you knew her expectations in the relationship, her wants and needs, and you didn't want to give her those things.
You should have saved her the last 3 years of her life by breaking up with her once you realized she was looking for marriage and children while you were not. There are just as many women as men in the world who don't want marriage and children, so why mismatch yourself to someone whom you're going to disappoint in the end?
If you think to yourself "Well maybe someday in the future I will want those things" then still you should have let her go, maybe someday in the future when you want those things you will find another person who also wants that, or maybe you and her could have even gotten back together, who knows, but instead she's missed out on 3 years of opportunity to find that happiness in life she seeks in hopes that maybe you would change for her.

When you found out she wasn't as sexual as you, you should have had a hard conversation with her to make arrangements for that, or break up with her. If you love someone but aren't sexually compatible or are on different sexual wavelengths that's ok! There's nothing wrong with having a close, loving relationship where you might need to find your satisfaction elsewhere as long as you are open and honest with her about it, but instead you are probably pressuring her into uncomfortable situations for your satisfaction and she's dealing with it in hopes that you'll eventually give her what she wants.

This is most likely why you are seeing her as being selfish now or the sex as stale, not because she's changed, but because you're getting tired of her NOT changing for you, and she's getting tired of you not changing for her.

But I get it, lots of people do this, they marry people they don't even like because they're more scared of being alone, they stick with relationships that are deeply not healthy because they've been told "That's how relationships are supposed to work" when they don't actually have to work that way. There are people out there whom you can be with where your relationship will be exactly what you want as long as you are willing to openly listen and provide them what they want in exchange, but once you start making demands or having expectations that they can't or won't fulfill, and start failing in providing for their needs and failing their expectations is when things start to break apart, and if you can't openly communicate about these things then you will just start gathering resentment until you can't even be friends.

I have come across this in my life, I don't monogamously date BECAUSE of this kind of thing.

My first boyfriend from High School had the expectation that we were going to get married after University, and put off going to University because he didn't want to be away from me while I was going to school since he got accepted at a different school, expecting that I would put off my life once I graduated to help support him when it was "His turn" to go to school. I IMMEDIATELY Broke up with him and told him to go to school, he was hurt yes, but he went to school, and has a great job now, a loving wife and three kids, things that had he waited around 4 years doing nothing he might not have gotten (especially since I am NEEEEVER Having children)

My last boyfriend in Japan put expectation after expectation on me to essentially be his mother, but when it was his turn to do anything for me he suddenly had no time and no money. I put up with it for far too long because I was lonely but there is no reason to put up with someone whom you're not compatible with, there are 7 BILLION people on this planet, you absolutely can find someone just for you.
Click to expand...
do we really know he wouldn't be considering marriage if things got better instead of getting worse ? he says in his 1st post that "after 3 years sex became stale", can't that be deceiving too ?

the problem is that couple life isn't only sex, there are a lot of other things that make it hard to break up with someone you like a lot of things about.

chronologically sometimes you just like someone start seeing her, sex isn't great but not nonexistent and you are overall pretty happy. especially in the first months because both makes efforts and try to please each other and pay interest to things the partner is interested in. sometimes things get better in the relation and in bed but many times the opposite happen. the "me time" gets bigger and when the partner isn't that into sex you can get jaded (cause so far you have always been the one initiating it or been the one trying to make it worth it for the partner). but you still love her as a person and love being with her and before you know it a lot of time has passed and the subject of marriage is brought on the table then you realize that things are not good enough for long term engagement and it's only natural that you fear that things get worse when she can really take you for granted thanks to the marriage contract and when she gets kids who'll be more important than you.

considering he's living with her I wouldn't say he was deceiving her.
 
One could say.....

Nobody on this site has any credibility whatsoever to give advice on relationships. You are all either promiscuous sex fiends or heartless professional sex workers! All of you! Most of you cheat and lie and conceal to advance your selfish and mean agendas of making piles of illicit duckets for yourselves and getting your rocks off by, as that Englishman said , “making the beast with two backs”. It’s true! Admit it!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I am looking forward to next year where we will continue this scintillating dialog and I will, as always, as that Irishman said, “go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race.” My race being distinctly porcine.
 
  • Like
Reactions: all4naughty69, Lars Lust and Frenchy
Classic Joyce reference. May your days be merry and bright.
 
Find someone else before you let go............Just think Tarzan
 
DanniCake said:
Relationships are hard and scary, but what's even harder and scarier is sticking with someone out of fear of being alone, or out of fear of making them sad.

When you entered this relationship with her you were already slightly deceiving her, you knew her expectations in the relationship, her wants and needs, and you didn't want to give her those things.
You should have saved her the last 3 years of her life by breaking up with her once you realized she was looking for marriage and children while you were not. There are just as many women as men in the world who don't want marriage and children, so why mismatch yourself to someone whom you're going to disappoint in the end?
If you think to yourself "Well maybe someday in the future I will want those things" then still you should have let her go, maybe someday in the future when you want those things you will find another person who also wants that, or maybe you and her could have even gotten back together, who knows, but instead she's missed out on 3 years of opportunity to find that happiness in life she seeks in hopes that maybe you would change for her.

When you found out she wasn't as sexual as you, you should have had a hard conversation with her to make arrangements for that, or break up with her. If you love someone but aren't sexually compatible or are on different sexual wavelengths that's ok! There's nothing wrong with having a close, loving relationship where you might need to find your satisfaction elsewhere as long as you are open and honest with her about it, but instead you are probably pressuring her into uncomfortable situations for your satisfaction and she's dealing with it in hopes that you'll eventually give her what she wants.

This is most likely why you are seeing her as being selfish now or the sex as stale, not because she's changed, but because you're getting tired of her NOT changing for you, and she's getting tired of you not changing for her.

But I get it, lots of people do this, they marry people they don't even like because they're more scared of being alone, they stick with relationships that are deeply not healthy because they've been told "That's how relationships are supposed to work" when they don't actually have to work that way. There are people out there whom you can be with where your relationship will be exactly what you want as long as you are willing to openly listen and provide them what they want in exchange, but once you start making demands or having expectations that they can't or won't fulfill, and start failing in providing for their needs and failing their expectations is when things start to break apart, and if you can't openly communicate about these things then you will just start gathering resentment until you can't even be friends.

I have come across this in my life, I don't monogamously date BECAUSE of this kind of thing.

My first boyfriend from High School had the expectation that we were going to get married after University, and put off going to University because he didn't want to be away from me while I was going to school since he got accepted at a different school, expecting that I would put off my life once I graduated to help support him when it was "His turn" to go to school. I IMMEDIATELY Broke up with him and told him to go to school, he was hurt yes, but he went to school, and has a great job now, a loving wife and three kids, things that had he waited around 4 years doing nothing he might not have gotten (especially since I am NEEEEVER Having children)

My last boyfriend in Japan put expectation after expectation on me to essentially be his mother, but when it was his turn to do anything for me he suddenly had no time and no money. I put up with it for far too long because I was lonely but there is no reason to put up with someone whom you're not compatible with, there are 7 BILLION people on this planet, you absolutely can find someone just for you.
Click to expand...

Well actually i did say from day 0 that i was not the kind of partner that is looking into marriage and kids, and on the start of the relationship she even did told me she was looking for that things..
You know, usually realtionships start without caring so much about that things, especially if you are on your early 24-25..


Anyway i did broke up with her.
I still don't know if it were the right choice for me, but it was at least probably for her.

She did even said she was not interested on making a family anymore when i did said to broke up, because she don't think to be able, with her character on the current state, to be a nice mom.
I'm sure she is just delusional right now, and will change back her mind with a new relationship someday in the future..

Well, thanks to everyone for their suggestions!
I'm kindly surprised about the support i did got
 
I think you made the right choice.

I was in a similar situation like that before in which she kept talking about marriage even though we were still in our 20's. Seemed way too soon for me but she kept going on about it. We eventually broke up and it was definitely difficult at first since I wasn't sure if I had made the right decision. Looking back, that was the best decision I ever made. I know for a fact that life would have been hell if we got married.

Point is, you're fine. Time heals all wounds
 
You must log in or register to reply here.