Relationships & Dating in Japan

[Karen]

One of the number one questions for foreigners in Japan is, "How can a nice guy (or girl) like me meet a nice Japanese man or woman?"

Well... that's a question that can only be answered with a broad answer!

For English speakers, the best place to start looking is in the Metropolis classifieds:

http://classifieds.metropolis.co.jp/

You can also check dating websites such as:

http://www.worldfriends.tv/public/home.jhtml

http://international.match.com/

For the guys, if you want a quality Japanese lady, speaking Japanese is your best bet. If you only speak English or cannot hold a daily conversation in Japanese, I'm afraid your options will be quite limited. If you're just looking for fun, you'll find those kind of ladies in any area where foreigners hang out.

For the ladies, Japanese guys are a strange breed and getting to know them and living with them are two very large tasks. I've got some stories about dating Japanese guys, but I'll save those for a bit later!

Good Luck to you! (Please feel free to add your opinions to this thread, including where is a good place to meet people.)

 

[TAG Manager]

re: Relationships & Dating in Japan

Good post Karen, outside of meeting girls/guys through bars, work or friends; at least Metropolis offers some good alternatives from time to time.

I've stuck this thread for future use!

 

[Karen]

re: Relationships & Dating in Japan

Thanks for the sticky there big guy!

<3

 

[TokyoSpirit]

Nothing beats a little skin bumping...

Pounding a keyboard for a date isn't exactly thrilling.

I know Karen likes the skin bumping, even though she's got a boyfriend.

 

[astrako]

better late than ever .... Good post Karen!

 

[astrako]

Well, i want to say a couple of things, but not sure if they fix exactly within this thread...
The first i want to point you, maybe many of you are already aware about, but you know, i am learning using the brute force (in that way you never forget what you leaned), and maybe there are people who find it useful this info. So, it is about the proofs of love here, in Japan: did you see many couples walking holding there hands? or giving kisses in public zones? Those kind of things. I did not. Japanese people do not like to show those things in public.

So, last weekend i had a date with a nice japanese lady who i met the week before. We just have lunch together and after a walk we chated drinking coffee. I used all my wisdom in order to create a pleasant atmosphere and make feel the lady comfortable: she seemed to had a great time with me, so when she was leaving (we were in the access to the metro, with many people around) i decided closing with a typical wester-kiss... well, i hold her while approaching my lips to her lips, but she refused saying no no no no no no (although smiling, so good sign). I gave no so much importance to it and just say thanks for the nice time together.
The lection here is that these people (i confirmed that searching in the web) consider public kissing as something disgusting, rude and unpolite; they feel they are being no respectful with other people in the street if they kiss someone there. So, please, take this in account: maybe the girl likes you, but she could refuse your kiss even though she wish that kiss...

Second thing i want to comment is that i checked the above metropolis link, and after reply to several japanese women messages, i got many answers willing to schedule a date. It looks promising. I have no meet yet with any of these ladies, but i will do for sure; i will give you my conclusion about the reliability of that approach when i accumulate some statistics.

Ok, and now last but not least, i want to share with you some trick that sometimes is useful for me with japanese woman (considering that i can't speak japanese yet): sometimes is a good excuse to dating proposing language exchange: i mean, you ask her to teach you japanese and you will teach her english; just practicing conversation, nothing fancy with text books or something, just talking. This is a good way to get, actually a date, but simulating it is not a date

 

[astrako]

Just for completeness, i checked during a long time metropolis contact section. i got many dates with japanese ladies speaking english. Some of them liked me, and some of them i liked them, but i never succeded with this tool. I tried many dates, and never happened to me a real match (me and her really interested). What i observed is that the ladies who were interested to me, at some point they have some kind of high expectations for the first date: it seems that they expect to feel in love in the first date, or feeling something crazy at the beginning. Very weird, childish and unnatural considering the way you schedule the date... I mean, in a first date there are two people who dont know nothing about each other. The important thing is to introduce theirselves, see if you feel minimum shape attraction, and not too much room for anything else, because in a first date you suppose just to be 2-3 hours at maximum with this new person. In my experience i got the conclusion that those ladies really expected to feel really great feelings in this 2 hours first date (with coffe/ meal or short walk). For one friend of mine actually worked, but definitely it does not work for me at all (believe me, i date many women with this tool, and it is a waste of time to me). I agree with 1001kisses.com that the best way to meet them is some friend in common introduce you to her. For me also works when i introduce myself BUT i have something in common with her which it provides some confident/excuse to her to talk with me (basicaly working in same place, or leaving in same apartment, etc.).

 

[shinjin]

I would like to share my opinion about Japanese men.

So far I have observed Japanese boys, I felt they have an obsession for vietnamese and Filipino girl. I am not sure why. I have met with many Japanese boys got married with vietnamese and filipinos.

Once I asked my friend what does a Japanese boy like? He said to me he prefers vietnamese because they are as cute as Japanese girls, obedient and caring..:.

Well... hope it helps someone...

 

[Zaphod222]

I would like to share my opinion about Japanese men.

So far I have observed Japanese boys, I felt they have an obsession for vietnamese and Filipino girl. I am not sure why. I have met with many Japanese boys got married with vietnamese and filipinos.

Once I asked my friend what does a Japanese boy like? He said to me he prefers vietnamese because they are as cute as Japanese girls, obedient and caring..:.

Well... hope it helps someone...

Aren`t you not simply talking about demographics? There are not enough Japanese city girls who want to live in the countryside, so the local farmers cooperatives and some such arrange for bride introductions from SE Asia and Sri Lanka.
Here in Tokyo, I have yet to meet any Japanese guy who is particularly looking for Vietnamese and Filipinas.

 

[TAG Manager]

Here in Tokyo, I have yet to meet any Japanese guy who is particularly looking for Vietnamese and Filipinas.

That's right, here in Tokyo.... your statement is correct.

Some of the more rural locations I visit around Japan, I've met a number of Japanese guys with brides from all over Asia. Filipinos, Vietnamese, Thai make up he majority. There are usually a lot of Filipino pubs and 'snack' bars in the countryside towns. Anyway, not so much in Tokyo. In Tokyo, I see a lot of older Japanese guys with younger Chinese and Thai girls. (Whom they've 'imported' back to Japan...)

IIRC, a lot of Korean men were opting for women from Cambodia and Vietnam. I think those governments put a stop to it though.

Just to mix it up a little more, lets not forget the prize Russian/Eastern European brides that show up from time-to-time.

 

[Yoshimoto]

"prize Russian/Eastern European brides". I would think it might work out well for Japanese men if they are interested in them. I don't know how much they go for Asian males but due to how rampant alcoholism can be they a lot of times look for people outside Russians and are really open/forward about it. In my travels to Eastern Europe the clubs had a ratio of 10 girls to 1 guy and I remember getting elbowed by a girl(in a good way) so I would give her some attention. It was super easy to meet people there.

The Japanese males staying in the U.S. I knew usually opted to date within the Japanese community. I think I only saw one couple that was mixed.

 

[Karen]

Nothing beats a little skin bumping...

Pounding a keyboard for a date isn't exactly thrilling.

I know Karen likes the skin bumping, even though she's got a boyfriend.

< My face right now. This reply, I never noticed it before. < You. Later.

 

[Solong]

@astrako

1) Part of the problem might not be that she didn't mind kissing you, but the location and situation.

Many Japanese women like stealthiness and privacy, especially with foreigners. It's best to take her to a semi-private and dimly lit place, where you can sit next to and hug her. Preferably a place with round tables (where sitting adjacent is easy), a booth, a couch, at the counter, etc... And it's best to take her to places that nobody knows her. Avoid her friends, co-workers, or her neighborhood on your private romantic date. Otherwise many Japanese women get overly paranoid that somebody they know will see them kissing.

It's hard to find very good places, so do your homework and explore an area first. You will be surprised at what you can find and you are learning about the city.

2) If you are meeting women from online, it can be best to take them to a totally public place at 1st (so they feel safe) and then a 2ND more private place after 2 hours (after establishing rapport).

That they go to the 2nd place (semi-private and dimly lit) is a litmus test of how into you they are. You go for hugs and kisses there, not at the 1st place. Then the 3rd place is the hotel or your apartment.

The location of the date should be of YOUR choosing and preferably NEAR a hotel or your apartment. Often a hotel is better, because good restaurants and clubs can be nearby.

3) Women from online dating sites are notorious for having childish cinderella complexes, outrageously high expectations in contrast to what they offer (fat girl snob wants Brad Pitt), and even being excessively anti-sexual on dates.

How you can defend against bad online dates is by making MULTIPLE dates. Many women have been secretly doing this to guys for years.

Example 1- Schedule 2 dates on the same day. Say it's Saturday. Date one at 4PM and another at 7:30PM. If the 4PM date is horrible, no worries and meet the next. If the 4PM goes great, cancel the 7:30PM date. Preferably claim an emergency and reschedule the 7:30PM to another day.

Example 2- Schedule multiple dates for the week. Meet women Thursday, Saturday, Sunday... Mathematically, the odds are good at least one or more dates will go well.

When you have multiple dates, you care less if a particular date goes bad. And it makes you bolder, but stay within reason, to escalate things.

4) If you see a date is going bad (romantically) back off and try to schedule a 2nd date.

When you make multiple dates with many other women, you stop trying to be too pushy when things aren't progressing romantically. Many online women, IF they meet you again, will have sex on the 2nd date. If not, then she just wasn't that into you, so meet other women.

5) Go find women on the trains, coffee shops, video stores, department stores, etc... Any place where single women are loitering.

Start a conversation based on something about her. Her shoes, fingernails, ear rings, coat, something she is holding, etc... You can offer to tutor her in English or ask her to help you with Japanese and Japanese culture.

Get her phone number, email, or LINE contact. Then schedule a date within 10 days. Push for meeting within 10 days, otherwise you will lose momentum and often sex or meeting will not happen. You press for a date to be within 10 days because you don't want to be "friend-zoned" or endlessly toyed with as a nurtured "pen-pal".

 

[curioustokyogirl]

In my almost two years here in Tokyo, I've only dated ONE (and probably will be the only one) Japanese guy. I met him in an online dating site and I initially thought he was interested in language exchange. So the first time we met, I brought two of my girl friends (who eventually left us) and he and I had a great time. Followed by a dinner date, movie date, and a date to watch a musical! All in all, we went out six times. The interesting thing however was throughout the time, no holding hands, hugs, or any form of physical contact. Quite refreshing in the beginning but frustrating too since I don't know what we were. In fact, I only considered and labeled it dating when my Japanese friend told me he wouldn't be going out with if he weren't but to be honest I am still not convinced...

I finally just decided to stay away and reply to his messages so delayed. I guess dating other Western men was a whole lot better.

 

[Exnocomment]

So interesting that people haven't been posting quite as on this topic recently, albeit there was one OP in another thread who dropped an SOS then vanished: https://tokyoadultguide.com/threads/non-japanese-woman-needs-dating-advice.12924/

I am not Japanese and I highly doubt I will ever call this country home for anything beyond a "moderately extended" period of time. Not that I don't truly like many aspects of the traditions and practices but I have a very strong sense of my own personality and appreciate that it clashes with many cultural norms here.. I would love to be a perennial visitor and to know the country well over time .. But maybe not so much a permanent home.

I mention the above as it ties into the fact that while I find some of the Japanese girls I've met charming and attractive, the cultural aspects of the interactions left me aghast, at least for the ones that were less worldly.

 

[TAG Manager]

The interesting thing however was throughout the time, no holding hands, hugs, or any form of physical contact.

Typical...

I don't have anything against Japanese men, but it's a typical theme. (Also considering the general disapproval of PDA in this society...)

I guess dating other Western men was a whole lot better.

Depends. They can go from one extreme to the other, 'choose wisely'! (disclaimer: I'm a western man, I have western friends that are complete idiots. So, I know...)

 

[curioustokyogirl]

Typical...

I don't have anything against Japanese men, but it's a typical theme. (Also considering the general disapproval of PDA in this society...)

----> yeah, I know but i would have expected him to hold my hand at least in the movie house or when we watched the musical... oh well

Depends. They can go from one extreme to the other, 'choose wisely'! (disclaimer: I'm a western man, I have western friends that are complete idiots. So, I know...)

---> of course I know this! Lol. Complete idiots...too perverted ones etc...


I didn't mean to generalize saying that Western men are necessarily better than Japanese men; but in terms of me knowing where it is going or how a man feels toward me then I prefer the former...

 

[User#6517]

---> of course I know this! Lol. Complete idiots...too perverted ones etc...

I didn't mean to generalize saying that Western men are necessarily better than Japanese men; but in terms of me knowing where it is going or how a man feels toward me then I prefer the former...

I wouldn't say that Japanese men are complete idiots.. but I would agree that some of them seem more perverted than other races.. yet at the same time, are also too shy to get affectionate or physical, even after multiple dates. This is my impression so far.. haha

Just like you, I've only dated one Japanese guy (not including deai cafe guys). We went on three dates.. no physical contact. I couldn't stand it, so I ended up blocking him. If a guy seems afraid to touch me, it makes me feel as if he's not even attracted to me.. so I'd rather not waste my time.

And when it comes to Japanese men in deai cafes.. I've never had a "normal" experience with them. I've had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend 15 minutes after meeting each other, a guy who wanted to lick my fingers for a full 30 minutes, and a 60-something year old guy who sang "Amazing Grace" to me after realizing that I had a Christian cross tattoo on my upper back.. LOL.

I just hope that someday, I get to come across a Japanese guy who's not weird, clingy, or extremely shy. I know they exist, but I have yet to meet one >__<

 

[curioustokyogirl]

I wouldn't say that Japanese men are complete idiots.. but I would agree that some of them seem more perverted than other races.. yet at the same time, are also too shy to get affectionate or physical, even after multiple dates. This is my impression so far.. haha

--->>>> I meant Western men

Just like you, I've only dated one Japanese guy (not including deai cafe guys). We went on three dates.. no physical contact. I couldn't stand it, so I ended up blocking him. If a guy seems afraid to touch me, it makes me feel as if he's not even attracted to me.. so I'd rather not waste my time.

--->>> I so hear you! I know what you mean! While touch is not my "love language", it is somewhat an indicator for me that a guy likes me or at least attracted to me especially after I have already given him signals

And when it comes to Japanese men in deai cafes.. I've never had a "normal" experience with them. I've had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend 15 minutes after meeting each other, a guy who wanted to lick my fingers for a full 30 minutes, and a 60-something year old guy who sang "Amazing Grace" to me after realizing that I had a Christian cross tattoo on my upper back.. LOL.

---->>> so interesting experiences you've had! LOL

I just hope that someday, I get to come across a Japanese guy who's not weird, clingy, or extremely shy. I know they exist, but I have yet to meet one >__<

--->>> oh my, me too! Not necessarily Japanese but any guy for that matter

 

[owlet]

I wouldn't say that Japanese men are complete idiots.. but I would agree that some of them seem more perverted than other races.. yet at the same time, are also too shy to get affectionate or physical, even after multiple dates. This is my impression so far.. haha

Just like you, I've only dated one Japanese guy (not including deai cafe guys). We went on three dates.. no physical contact. I couldn't stand it, so I ended up blocking him. If a guy seems afraid to touch me, it makes me feel as if he's not even attracted to me.. so I'd rather not waste my time.

And when it comes to Japanese men in deai cafes.. I've never had a "normal" experience with them. I've had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend 15 minutes after meeting each other, a guy who wanted to lick my fingers for a full 30 minutes, and a 60-something year old guy who sang "Amazing Grace" to me after realizing that I had a Christian cross tattoo on my upper back.. LOL.

I just hope that someday, I get to come across a Japanese guy who's not weird, clingy, or extremely shy. I know they exist, but I have yet to meet one >__<

you could always take the initiative and touch him you know?

 

[owlet]

about pushing for a date a solong says.. I am sure that is generally good advice but I have found the opposite works too

I met a girl, got her line, we tried to schedule a date.. Nothing matched.. And then I left it.. Didn't contact her for two weeks.. Nothing .. I pretty much forgot about her .. Then two weeks later she messages me, hey how are you type thing

24 hours later she was in my bed haha.. Now we are bf gf

 

[TAG Manager]

We went on three dates.. no physical contact. I couldn't stand it, so I ended up blocking him. If a guy seems afraid to touch me, it makes me feel as if he's not even attracted to me.. so I'd rather not waste my time.

Yeah, well, you're attractive... nothing to worry about here. But some guys may be shy or feel like they want to respect you more by not touching you until you give some signals that it's okay to so. Full beta male...

 

[TAG Manager]

you could always take the initiative and touch him you know?

Full beta male...

See above.

 

[User#8628]

My experience with Japanese men is so different. Because i am obviously western they usually behave differently and they say "i love you" all the time and touch me in public. There was this one guy long ago who didn't want to kiss in the train (i guess that is kind of pushing limits) but usually the types of guys i like don't have a problem making out in public at all.

The one thing i hate about Japanese men (both clients and dates) and which almost makes it impossible to date them is how they, aften a few very fun dates, just vanish out of your life when they are done with you. Like, they just ignore your messages, block you and go on with their life without an explaination. I agree that sometimes this is the less painful way to do it and i can usually see it comming before but its like every relationship ends this way sooner or later!! (I wouldn't mind it to happen sometimes but not every single time!)
Recently a Japanese sugar daddy that i had a lot of similar hobbies in common with did this thing and i really miss him. He was very good for me. A true gentleman (like many Japanese guys over 40), he would always hold open the car door for me before getting in himself. And we had always super fun dates that i enjoyed. And the support was generous. And suddenly that's all gone without him giving me a reason. I would like a warning and an explaination at least sometimes, this is really frustrating!

 

[Wwanderer]

a 60-something year old guy who sang "Amazing Grace" to me after realizing that I had a Christian cross tattoo on my upper back.. LOL./QUOTE]

NOT ME!!!

-Ww