Sexless Marriages And The Men That Are Held Hostage...

[justhavefun]

I'll be one to defend JHF here on parental involvement in marriage. There's a lot of economic pressure to this day, I would argue, world-wide, not just in Japan or India. Hell, there's the American trope of 'marrying a musician' which is known as probably one of the worst things a woman can do in the US, which is at its heart a marriage for love, but parents routinely hate that sort of thing.

I agree! But here in Japan peer pressure could see a women having to accept an arranged marriage with some one she does not want to marry and with some one she does not like, and they will still have a child within the first year, because they are doing what is expected of them and its rooted in the education system, the result is that the Japanese accept everything and question nothing, those that do, will at some point receive peer pressure to full in line.

Now, I can't speak to the Buddhist underpinnings, but in my experience women are either attracted to money or something else 'exciting'. If a guy is confident and has a plan for the future and can provide a woman a 'good time', as long as he sees to her needs, I don't see how a relationship or a marriage could be loveless or passionless. There's obviously a 'point of no return' that you have once a woman writes you off or vice versa, but if there's still a chance, just provide some passion and move forward.

Because love and passion are not part of the marriage culture, many Japanese fully expect a marriage to be sexless and without passion.

How could a husband here show his wife a good time, when he is working long hours and she controls his money.

Also once children arrive, the wife feels the need to sleep with the children and have nothing to do with her husband, in many cases she actually regards him as a nuisance.

 

[TAG Manager]

many Japanese fully expect a marriage to be sexless and without passion.

This may be true for many, but there are still people in love, with passion and banging each other senseless... Japanese people just accept to let love and passion die, it doesn't have to but it's seen as too much work to keep it going. Good thing there are still plenty of couples with fire though...

 

[justhavefun]

A lot depends on what you mean by fire in a marriage.

My wife entered marriage with me and fully expected it to be sexless, she even told me to find other women to have sex with.

Many Japanese men take a mistress and if you speak with Japanese men you will find that they believe that the last person you have sex with is your wife, one reason is that they view their wife as a mother to his children and him.

I am only discussing the situation in Japan, I am not making comparisons.

Are you married?

 

[Frenchy]

This may be true for many, but there are still people in love, with passion and banging each other senseless... Japanese people just accept to let love and passion die, it doesn't have to but it's seen as too much work to keep it going. Good thing there are still plenty of couples with fire though...

Well i dont know many of them but yes, youre right, they must exist! By the way Im not sure its all "black and white" between Japan and the West. You can have subtle (and not so subtle) forms of peer pressure in Europe and the US too... Typically the girl who sees her friends getting married and asked cheerfully "so when is your turn?" Etc. Also disappointment with marriage is widely shared irrespective of cultures.

 

[Frenchy]

A lot depends on what you mean by fire in a marriage.

My wife entered marriage with me and fully expected it to be sexless, she even told me to find other women to have sex with.

Many Japanese men take a mistress and if you speak with Japanese men you will find that they believe that the last person you have sex with is your wife, one reason is that they view their wife as a mother to his children and him.

Are you married?

I guess that if its clear from the start between you both and you are ok with it too, then yes, it can be a long-lasting marriage. I wish I had read the guidebook sooner!

 

[TAG Manager]

A lot depends on what you mean by fire in a marriage.

Passion.

My wife entered marriage with me and fully expected it to be sexless, she even told me to find other women to have sex with.

That's sad... sorry to hear that.

I am only discussing the situation in Japan, I am not making comparisons.

Wasn't comparing. Talking about Japan and married people in Japan only.

Are you married?

My personal status isn't up for public knowledge.

My point from my post is that I have married and unmarried friends, mostly all Japanese. Only two of those couples are mixed marriages. While we don't discuss sex directly, but most have been married for awhile and quite obviously very active.

 

[justhavefun]

My wife did not tell me anything about what our married life would be like.

She entered the marriage fully expecting it to be sexless without discussing it with me, I found out the truth after several years into the marriage.

She told me that she fully expected that I would hold the same values and views as a Japanese man.

Sex normally stops after the first child.

 

[TAG Manager]

My wife did not tell me anything about what our married life would be like.

She entered the marriage fully expecting it to be sexless without discussing it with me, I found out the truth after several years into the marriage.

She told me that she fully expected that I would hold the same values and views as a Japanese man.

So, you're just a trophy husband?

And she just wants to play with girls? (based on your other posts)

 

[Frenchy]

My wife did not tell me anything about what our married life would be like.

She entered the marriage fully expecting it to be sexless without discussing it with me, I found out the truth after several years into the marriage.

She told me that she fully expected that I would hold the same values and views as a Japanese man.

Sex normally stops after the first child.

Ah! Welcome to the club...

 

[justhavefun]

I am not a trophy husband.

My wife wants to play with women and she wants to watch me play with women, but these activities for her are still not important.

We have a sex life, but its duty sex, its how she wants it.

 

[justhavefun]

Ah! Welcome to the club...

So you are in the same boat.

There are answers and reasons, but it cannot be explained in a few posts on here, it took me years to learn and understand.

 

[Frenchy]

I am not a trophy husband.

My wife wants to play with women and she wants to watch me play with women, but these activities for her are still not important.

We have a sex life, but its duty sex, its how she wants it.

Wow! Maybe i should introduce mine to yours and we could watch together? actually, i think i kinda like your marriage arrangement. Im serious here.

 

[justhavefun]

Japanes

Wow! Maybe i should introduce mine to yours and we could watch together? actually, i think i kinda like your marriage arrangement. Im serious here.

Both Japanese men and women enter marriage fully expecting it to be sexless after children, but a Japanese partner will never explain this to a foreigner before marriage.

The only way my wife could accept having sex in our marriage was to regard it as a job, which is what duty sex is, but this makes sense to me, because the Japanese regard marriage as a job and that is to have children.

You will find that if a married Japanese women finds that she cannot have children, I have heard that they in many cases will suggest to their husband that they divorce, so he can have children with another woman.

 

[Frenchy]

Japanes


Both Japanese men and women enter marriage fully expecting it to be sexless after children, but a Japanese partner will never explain this to a foreigner before marriage.

The only way my wife could accept having sex in our marriage was to regard it as a job, which is what duty sex is, but this makes sense to me, because the Japanese regard marriage as a job and that is to have children.

You will find that if a married Japanese women finds that she cannot have children, I have heard that they in many cases will suggest to their husband that they divorce, so he can have children with another woman.

I must grant that to my future ex-wife: she indeed was not so upset when i told her i used p4P services to compensate for the sexless marriage. Apparently her friends told her their husbands do the same so, as often in Japan "if the others do it then its OK". Some western ladies would not only expect their husbands to endure zero (or rare) sex , but would feel totally offended if they go see elsewhere. So yes, to some extent, Japanese can be more "logical" about it.

 

[Wwanderer]

Both Japanese men and women enter marriage fully expecting it to be sexless after children, ...

This is a *serious* over-generalization as stated; there are A LOT of exceptions to this conventional wisdom ime...though I may move in different circles than you.

However, exceptions aside, to the very significant extent that it is true, it seems to me that the interesting question is "why?". Why would Japanese men and women intend and wish for a sexless marriage/relationship? Do they not like sex? Do they think it has some bad consequence? I can understand how it happens...is perfectly common in the West too, but I have a harder time seeing how it can be an expectation, almost a goal.

-Ww

 

[Frenchy]

Thank You.

The Japanese are very logical when it comes to sex in marriage.

A marriage is regarded as a job to raise children, so they feel that sex is a distraction along with it also not being regarded as essential by Buddhist teachings, this view is also enforced by the health care workers when a wife takes her baby for health checks, the result is that both husband and wife do not have sex in marriage and will at some point have sex outside the marriage.

You do not need to divorce to change things, you just need to realize and understand your position in the marriage and appeal to her Japanese mind.

I understand (and even adhere to) your reasoning , but then why is divorce rate so high in Japan as well? Why aren't they happy with these planned, unloving sexless marriages?

 

[justhavefun]

I understand (and even adhere to) your reasoning , but then why is divorce rate so high in Japan as well? Why aren't they happy with these planned, unloving sexless marriages?

Firstly its normally a Japanese wife that will start and want a divorce.

The main reasons for divorce are, the husband could not provide, and secondly the wife found out her husband was cheating, but she only divorces him because of the shame he brings on the family name.

I am also aware that in the case of foreign women being married to a Japanese men, the reason for divorce is because of a lack of sexual relationship and the husband is always working.

 

[justhavefun]

Lol! Come to think of it I'm sure we at least succeeded in making the OP think twice about "finding love" ! Be careful what you wish for , my friend (-;

I cannot understand why the OP is here looking for love when the Japanese do not base their married life on love.

Yes!! The Japanese have moved more towards the "Love Marriage" concept, but like most things they have changed it to suit themselves, because Japanese women still use the same values of the arranged marriage system when deciding on a future husband.

 

[TAG Manager]

This is a *serious* over-generalization as stated; there are A LOT of exceptions to this conventional wisdom ime...though I may move in different circles than you.

Agreed, I think the social circles here are vastly different from one another. But, if they've agreed to that life, then it's their call...

OTOH, I expect that some people are brainwashed (figuratively) to accept this notion and 'expectation' as some are calling it. It's definitely not an expectation among my circle of Japanese friends. It's considered a failure if you wind up with no love or passion...

I only know of one case that's close to me that a woman was so hung up on status that she divorced her husband because he couldn't manage to make a certain salary. Her family was rich and she wanted her husband to fit in with her society. She expected 20m/yen/year and he was making something around 17m/yen/year. -- That one was about status and money, but the sex was hot from what I heard. (Japanese couple, one kid, Keio family if you know what that is...)

 

[Frenchy]

Agreed, I think the social circles here are vastly different from one another. But, if they've agreed to that life, then it's their call...

OTOH, I expect that some people are brainwashed (figuratively) to accept this notion and 'expectation' as some are calling it. It's definitely not an expectation among my circle of Japanese friends. It's considered a failure if you wind up with no love or passion...

I only know of one case that's close to me that a woman was so hung up on status that she divorced her husband because he couldn't manage to make a certain salary. Her family was rich and she wanted her husband to fit in with her society. She expected 20m/yen/year and he was making something around 17m/yen/year. -- That one was about status and money, but the sex was hot from what I heard. (Japanese couple, one kid, Keio family if you know what that is...)

Keio? Pfffffff... I frequent only Todai people (-;

 

[vondoom]

why and how is any man held hostage? youre all free to go^^

 

[Frenchy]

why and how is any man held hostage? youre all free to go^^

Lol! I thought exactly the same ! (And that's what I do btw)

 

[TAG Manager]

Lol! I thought exactly the same ! (And that's what I do btw)

Good for you... sorry I wasn't paying close attention to earlier posts.

why and how is any man held hostage? youre all free to go^^

Yep. No need to keep a marriage or any relationship if it's just a job, much better options out there (Japanese or not...)
Hopefully, most are smart and realize it before it's too late and kids are present...

 

[MikeH]

but then why is divorce rate so high in Japan as well?

High compared to what exactly? Obviously divorce rate is higher in Japan than it used to be decades ago but it's still low compared to Europe or USA.

 

[Frenchy]

High compared to what exactly? Obviously divorce rate is higher in Japan than it used to be decades ago but it's still low compared to Europe or USA.

Yes, but not that much lower , according to this map at least (sorry didn't look much further for detailed studies)
http://m.imgur.com/dep7XIZ