Sexless Marriages And The Men That Are Held Hostage...

[justhavefun]

DIscuss what? If it's your views on a Japanese marriage, no. You've said plenty on the subject.

It took me years to learn and you dispute it in just a few days.

We all have opinions, but I feel I am being pushed to accept your opinions or be labeled a troll.

 

[TAG Manager]

It took me years to learn and you dispute it in just a few days.

It was your choice to learn something that most of the society doesn't accept. 98% or more of the people on this board would not tolerate your current situation. The remaining 2% probably have kids are are truly stuck, for the sake of the kids.

Especially if you're a foreigner here... so many more and better options here in Japan and in other countries.

Were you an 'import'?

 

[vondoom]

not to mention that there are people who knew what took you years before they moved^^

 

[justhavefun]

It was your choice to learn something that most of the society doesn't accept. 98% or more of the people on this board would not tolerate your current situation. The remaining 2% probably have kids are are truly stuck, for the sake of the kids.

Especially if you're a foreigner here... so many more and better options here in Japan and in other countries.

Were you an 'import'?

Yes!! It was my choice to learn some thing that society does accept if you understand Honne/Tatemae and I understand that there may be many on this board who may not tolerate my situation, but many have liked my posts.

As for those who have kids and feel stuck, many do not want to accept that there is a way forward.

Ask yourself this, if society does not accept, why in 2012 did the government give foreign men the right to be listed in the juminhyo as the Head of the Household/family for the first time in history, when they abolished the Alien Registration System?

 

[TAG Manager]

but many have liked my posts.

That doesn't meant much -- 'Liking' your post doesn't have any direct translated meaning unless they reply and support your position. Don't use that as a barometer.

As for those who have kids and feel stuck, many do not want to accept that there is a way forward.

Divorce. But, most don't for the sake of the kids. (fact)

Ask yourself this, if society does not accept, why in 2012 did the government give foreign men the right to be listed in the juminhyo as the Head of the Household/family for the first time in history, when they abolished the Alien Registration System?

How does this even apply to the topic of being in a sexless, loveless marriage? Where your wife wants to play with girls and not you?

Head of household does not hold any real meaning (or power).... it's just a title on the document. If you're single in Japan, you're the head of your own household. After the system merge, houses where the foreign husband was the true head of household, the systems automatically adjusted for that fact. (or should have) -- This is real non-issue anyway. Many moons ago, like before the war, head of household was something more to behold.

 

[justhavefun]

Divorce. But, most don't for the sake of the kids. (fact)

Divorce is not an answer, its just like running away.

How does this even apply to the topic of being in a sexless, loveless marriage? Where your wife wants to play with girls and not you?

Sorry!! She wants to play with both.

Head of household does not hold any real meaning (or power).... it's just a title on the document. If you're single in Japan, you're the head of your own household. After the system merge, houses where the foreign husband was the true head of household, the systems automatically adjusted for that fact. (or should have) -- This is real non-issue anyway. Many moons ago, like before the war, head of household was something more to behold.

That is your opinion.

 

[TAG Manager]

That is your opinion.

Opinion? It's a fact... it holds no legal power. It's just a title on a document now. What exactly can you do with that title that you couldn't before?
Please do point me to the legal code that identifies powers that come with the title head of household.

Sorry!! She wants to play with both.

That's not what you've said before.

Divorce is not an answer, its just like running away.

Running away from a shit marriage, yes. That's already been commented on before here. (this isn't ancient times where you are bound for life...)

 

[justhavefun]

Opinion? It's a fact... it holds no legal power. It's just a title on a document now. What exactly can you do with that title that you couldn't before?
Please do point me to the legal code that identifies powers that come with the title head of household.

Before the change in 2012 only Japanese wives were listed as the Head of the Household when married to a foreign husband.

Have you ever thought that you may have a better marriage.

Running away from a shit marriage, yes. That's already been commented on before here. (this isn't ancient times where you are bound for life...)

Have you ever thought that the reason its a shit marriage is because there is a lack of cultural understanding.

It may not be ancient times, but many Japanese still live by these values.

Try living in rural Japan and not just the cities, all the cities do is offer an escape for the Japanese, but they still return to the family home and accept the values that are lost in the city.

The way you talk on here its hard to believe you are living in Japan.

 

[TAG Manager]

Have you ever thought that you may have a better marriage.

You cannot be serious. A better marriage because of a title? Please....

Have you ever thought that the reason its a shit marriage is because there is a lack of cultural understanding.

A shit marriage can happen no matter if there are or are not cultural issues...

Nobody (here) cares if the Japanese people live by old values or not. If (we) foreigners want to blend into their society, we learn the most necessary traits. In my case, that's business and social settings (+language)... that's all I need. I'm not in Japan to gain some deeper understanding of the Japanese culture and history...

I guess the difference between you and I is the social circles. (as mentioned earlier) You've ingrained yourself into their society and you're happy with that. The Japanese friends I have along with the foreigners I know, choose to live by more modern standards. And while we respect what Japan has accomplished, it does not mean we have to live as you do...

You seem to be one of these guys who got imported to Japan by their wife and and just have simply lived by their standards and don't know any different.

And with that, I'm done here... Work is done and I need sleep before that first cup of coffee in 7.5 hours.

 

[justhavefun]

You cannot be serious. A better marriage because of a title? Please....

A shit marriage can happen no matter if there are or are not cultural issues...

I am serious.

I agree!! A shit marriage can happen no matter what, but when that shit marriage involves a Japanese partner it normally follows a pattern.

Nobody (here) cares if the Japanese people live by old values or not. If (we) foreigners want to blend into their society, we learn the most necessary traits. In my case, that's business and social settings (+language)... that's all I need. I'm not in Japan to gain some deeper understanding of the Japanese culture and history...

I would be interested to hear the views of others and not just yours.

If you choice to live by limited traits what will you do when you hit problems, can you really understand how to resolve them in a way that would appeal to the Japanese mind?

I guess the difference between you and I is the social circles. (as mentioned earlier) You've ingrained yourself into their society and you're happy with that. The Japanese friends I have along with the foreigners I know, choose to live by more modern standards. And while we respect what Japan has accomplished, it does not mean we have to live as you do...

Yes!! I am very happy.

Not saying that you have to live how I do, but when you marry into the circles you mix with they will live by values that you currently refuse to understand/accept.

You seem to be one of these guys who got imported to Japan by their wife and and just have simply lived by their standards and don't know any different.

NO!! I came here of my own free will, but after marriage, I wanted to better understand my wife, but in the process I understand the Japanese better.

Just because you do not want to understand, does not make me wrong.

 

[zer0ed]

Ok I'm gonna try to sum up some of JHF's position from what I read so far:

1. He is at the cutting edge of Japanese culture and society.
2. No one here is as qualified in this topic as he is.
3. His wife is bi-curious, wants him to participate, but doesn't want sex with him.
4. He shall be treated with utmost respect.
5. He is not a troll.
6. He has a firm grasp of the English language, figures of speech and nuances.
7. His reading comprehension level is above average, and his interpretation of all posts are binding and final.
8. Anecdotal evidence and personal experience (only JHV's) are valid and shall trump all other forms of evidence.
9. Re-read points 1,2,4,5 and 8
10. See point 9
11. Repeat

Addendum: it has come to my attention that #3 may not be entirely accurate. Details to follow.

 

[justhavefun]

Ok I'm gonna try to sum up some of JHF's position from what I read so far:

1. He is at the cutting edge of Japanese culture and society.
2. No one here is as qualified in this topic as he is.
3. His wife is bi-curious, wants him to participate, but doesn't want sex with him.
4. He shall be treated with utmost respect.
5. He is not a troll.
6. He has a firm grasp of the English language, figures of speech and nuances.
7. His reading comprehension level is above average, and his interpretation of all posts are binding and final.
8. Re-read points 1,2,4 and 5
9. See point 8
10. Repeat

This is why I do not like discussing the subject.

As for number (3), I do not live in a sexless marriage.

 

[User#6541]

This is why I do not like discussing the subject.

As for number (3), I do not live in a sexless marriage.

Sorry for derailing, but any chance your wife want a place in the *ahem* business? A friend who is not me was wondering....

 

[e-smile]

My wife did not tell me anything about what our married life would be like.

She entered the marriage fully expecting it to be sexless without discussing it with me, I found out the truth after several years into the marriage.

She told me that she fully expected that I would hold the same values and views as a Japanese man.

Sex normally stops after the first child.

does she know all japanese men's or their wive's privacy to make this kind of statement ?

I don't believe sex normally stops after the first child, it may be the case for some but not the majority.

 

[e-smile]

Divorce is not an answer, its just like running away.

we're not talking about a duty here, running away isn't the right word to use.

 

[justhavefun]

does she know all japanese men's or their wive's privacy to make this kind of statement ?

She expected me to have the same cultural values in marriage as a Japanese man.

I don't believe sex normally stops after the first child, it may be the case for some but not the majority.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said ( I don't believe).

Sex may or may not stop after the first child, because they may decide to have more children.

 

[e-smile]

She expected me to have the same cultural values in marriage as a Japanese man.

well Japanese aren't necessarily the way she thinks they are.
you can't put them all in the same bag

I think you hit the nail on the head or ( I don't believe).

Sex may or may not stop after the first child, because they may decide to have more children.

well you're not giving official statistics, you're just talking about what you believe is true.

I don't think most of the married Japanese who have a child stop having sex after he's born or conceived.

 

[faboo2001]

I don't believe sex normally stops after the first child, it may be the case for some but not the majority.

Actually, couples that stop having sex after having a child isn't that uncommon. It's kinda obvious why right after childbirth, and sometimes it just carries over after months and months. And no, this is not specifically a Japan issue!

 

[justhavefun]

well Japanese aren't necessarily the way she thinks they are.
you can't put them all in the same bag

Just because you say this does not make it right.

well you're not giving official statistics, you're just talking about what you believe is true.

Why do you need official statistics? Are you saying that you would believe that over my statements?

Do a google search you will find that the Japanese are not having sex.

I don't think most of the married Japanese who have a child stop having sex after he's born or conceived.

Do your research.

 

[justhavefun]

Actually, couples that stop having sex after having a child isn't that uncommon. It's kinda obvious why right after childbirth, and sometimes it just carries over after months and months. And no, this is not specifically a Japan issue!

I agree!! But the reasons are different.

Here the Japanese enter marriage fully expecting it to be sexless.

 

[TAG Manager]

Here the Japanese enter marriage fully expecting it to be sexless.

No, they don't. Pure garbage. Stop spreading this junk.

She expected me to have the same cultural values in marriage as a Japanese man.

You're not Japanese.

This thread is done. Good job.