Does it ever end?

[dlee823]

I'm sure a rehash of a question many have asked before, but a bit curious to get some insight from people older than me. I'm 34. I make decent money and am reasonably attractive (though I grew up a nerd). I've had 3 relationships of over 1 year long. Totally 8 years of relationships. I can get dates though I can't seem to find anyone worth dating seriously. I'm currently single, no kids. I'm born and raised in the US. Have lived in South America and Asia for about a year each cumulatively, but never indefinitely.

As with many on these forums, I'm pretty physically motivated. I like novelty in general, and I certainly enjoy novelty with having new sexual partners. To me sex is similar to food. I enjoy great food and I'd rather not eat the same meal everyday for the rest of my life. In all my relationships I've gotten bored with the sex after ~1 year. After which I have tended to seek out fulfillment in that dimension via other means. Porn is the path of least resistance and in the last relationship, the occasional mongering when traveling. But it began to eat at my conscience, as she was unaware. I'm pretty sure I want to do the family thing but I don't know how I could satisfy this part of me and be in integrity with someone I'm dating.

Questions:
1. How have others solved this? I'm sure there are many who had similar desires and still maintained a functional family life.
2. The US in particular seems to have a very thin line of opinion about relationships and cheating. What is your view on where the line is? How do guys make it work longer term? Most married guys I know have terrible sex lives (once a week to once a month to never). Some just give up on that dimension all together. Some monger very very occasionally with guilt. Some see it as a massage. How do folks quell their conscious or have balance?
3. I know for one, that if I'm in the exact same boat in 10 years I'd be upset. I don't feel like my beliefs about this topic have evolved much in the past 15 years. I really enjoy sex and variety. I enjoy having a close companion and partner to share life with. I worry that what I enjoy doesn't work with a traditional, western relationship. What other functional, long-lasting options are there that have some integrity?
4. I've read 2 books on polygamy. General take is that full on polygamy seems like way too much work. But things like manogamish sound more like what I'm curious about. A close emotional, and physical relationship with one person. And some openness to explore physically with other people from time to time. Have others tried this? Whether openly or not.

 

[MikeH]

Well that one was easy!

The three most usual ways to go are the following:

1. Stay single and fuck everyone you can guilt free.
2. Get married, have family and no sex.
3. Separate family and sex like most of the Japanese couples do.

The fourth one is to find a unicorn who is happy to pop up babies with you and is also ready to open the relationship. Nobody I know has managed to do this though I have read even in TAG that it could be possible.

 

[hrbb]

It never ends.

 

[dlee823]

Well that one was easy!

The three most usual ways to go are the following:

1. Stay single and fuck everyone you can guilt free.
2. Get married, have family and no sex.
3. Separate family and sex like most of the Japanese couples do.

The fourth one is to find a unicorn who is happy to pop up babies with you and is also ready to open the relationship. Nobody I know has managed to do this though I have read even in TAG that it could be possible.

Thanks.

With #3, I'm assuming this is unspoken? What do wives expect? What's normal, respectful? What's not?

With #4, yeah indeed very rare. Cases where it's slightly more open, whether publicly agreed or not, are where the guy has lots of money.

 

[Sudsy]

1. Get marrried, realise this is impractical, get divorced, do what you like.

2. Not living in the USA seems to fix most of these problems for a lot of people

3. See #2. Relocate to a country that wasn't founded by puritans.

4. See #3, and find a partner who's done the same. All the truly swing couples I know are expat couples who met overseas - usually Americans or Europeans who met in SE Asia.

 

[Sudsy]

It never ends.

Sure it does.

 

[hrbb]

Sure it does.

View attachment 21564

Ah touché!

 

[MikeH]

Sure it does.

Unless you are buddhist.

 

[YokoMonger]

Keeping your relationship and your sexual adventures separate and secret is on option. An easier path mentally is if you find a partner that's will to join you in open sessions both as a couple and apart. Best is find a couples sex club (coppuru kissa) then a happening bar acceptable to you both. What hopefully happens is you're both fine having sex with each other and other people so long as you don't develop the sexual into the emotional outside of your partner. Big thing is don't define your relationship through the sex and instead see sex as a part of it that will ebb and flow (and may even disappear). So long as the sex is augmented with outside sources, hopefully you both stay happy with that aspect of the relationship.

It's probably easier in Japan as there's an expectation the partner will have sexual activity outside the marriage.

 

[hundreddollarman]

Sure it does.

View attachment 21564

I am more of a Colt guy myself.

 

[Jimmy Chu1969]

Why don’t you move to Utah? Problems solved.

 

[Kindman]

I'm sure a rehash of a question many have asked before, but a bit curious to get some insight from people older than me. I'm 34. I make decent money and am reasonably attractive (though I grew up a nerd). I've had 3 relationships of over 1 year long. Totally 8 years of relationships. I can get dates though I can't seem to find anyone worth dating seriously. I'm currently single, no kids. I'm born and raised in the US. Have lived in South America and Asia for about a year each cumulatively, but never indefinitely.

As with many on these forums, I'm pretty physically motivated. I like novelty in general, and I certainly enjoy novelty with having new sexual partners. To me sex is similar to food. I enjoy great food and I'd rather not eat the same meal everyday for the rest of my life. In all my relationships I've gotten bored with the sex after ~1 year. After which I have tended to seek out fulfillment in that dimension via other means. Porn is the path of least resistance and in the last relationship, the occasional mongering when traveling. But it began to eat at my conscience, as she was unaware. I'm pretty sure I want to do the family thing but I don't know how I could satisfy this part of me and be in integrity with someone I'm dating.

Questions:
1. How have others solved this? I'm sure there are many who had similar desires and still maintained a functional family life.
2. The US in particular seems to have a very thin line of opinion about relationships and cheating. What is your view on where the line is? How do guys make it work longer term? Most married guys I know have terrible sex lives (once a week to once a month to never). Some just give up on that dimension all together. Some monger very very occasionally with guilt. Some see it as a massage. How do folks quell their conscious or have balance?
3. I know for one, that if I'm in the exact same boat in 10 years I'd be upset. I don't feel like my beliefs about this topic have evolved much in the past 15 years. I really enjoy sex and variety. I enjoy having a close companion and partner to share life with. I worry that what I enjoy doesn't work with a traditional, western relationship. What other functional, long-lasting options are there that have some integrity?
4. I've read 2 books on polygamy. General take is that full on polygamy seems like way too much work. But things like manogamish sound more like what I'm curious about. A close emotional, and physical relationship with one person. And some openness to explore physically with other people from time to time. Have others tried this? Whether openly or not.

You feel guilty because of cultural conditioning.

In other cultures, the wives feel relieved that the husband can get his rocks off with a sex worker and come home pleasant and charming.

Men just like to have sex - we are biologically programmed that way. We remain fertile til the day we die.

If you feel guilty, then you need to set aside some time for yourself - self care - where you can relieve yourself of sexual tension. If not it will simply manifest itself, often inappropriately, in other areas of your life. Some men resort to molesting women. Some men resort to drink. Some men resort to anger and rage.

Speaking from myself. I was terribly awkward around pretty women, esp if I didn't relieve myself sexually. But after having regular sex with (sex workers), I can be more comfortable being with attractive women and girls without embarrassing myself.

Trying to suppress natural sexual urges is not healthy - mentally and physically.

With regard to your guilt. You need to come to terms with the issue. And it is not something society would condone. We have drifted far away from what is natural. And are expected to take on minority urges and to assume that minority opinions should be the norm.

 

[requiemmorrow]

I'm sure a rehash of a question many have asked before, but a bit curious to get some insight from people older than me. I'm 34. I make decent money and am reasonably attractive (though I grew up a nerd). I've had 3 relationships of over 1 year long. Totally 8 years of relationships. I can get dates though I can't seem to find anyone worth dating seriously. I'm currently single, no kids. I'm born and raised in the US. Have lived in South America and Asia for about a year each cumulatively, but never indefinitely.

As with many on these forums, I'm pretty physically motivated. I like novelty in general, and I certainly enjoy novelty with having new sexual partners. To me sex is similar to food. I enjoy great food and I'd rather not eat the same meal everyday for the rest of my life. In all my relationships I've gotten bored with the sex after ~1 year. After which I have tended to seek out fulfillment in that dimension via other means. Porn is the path of least resistance and in the last relationship, the occasional mongering when traveling. But it began to eat at my conscience, as she was unaware. I'm pretty sure I want to do the family thing but I don't know how I could satisfy this part of me and be in integrity with someone I'm dating.

Questions:
1. How have others solved this? I'm sure there are many who had similar desires and still maintained a functional family life.
2. The US in particular seems to have a very thin line of opinion about relationships and cheating. What is your view on where the line is? How do guys make it work longer term? Most married guys I know have terrible sex lives (once a week to once a month to never). Some just give up on that dimension all together. Some monger very very occasionally with guilt. Some see it as a massage. How do folks quell their conscious or have balance?
3. I know for one, that if I'm in the exact same boat in 10 years I'd be upset. I don't feel like my beliefs about this topic have evolved much in the past 15 years. I really enjoy sex and variety. I enjoy having a close companion and partner to share life with. I worry that what I enjoy doesn't work with a traditional, western relationship. What other functional, long-lasting options are there that have some integrity?
4. I've read 2 books on polygamy. General take is that full on polygamy seems like way too much work. But things like manogamish sound more like what I'm curious about. A close emotional, and physical relationship with one person. And some openness to explore physically with other people from time to time. Have others tried this? Whether openly or not.

I have pretty much undergone a sexual liberation of my own since joining TAG.

Essentially I spent most of my life borderline Puritan, but grew to appreciate fine women and to be okay with myself being a horny pig. It’s been a slow road of recovery, and contrary to this liberation of mine I have no ill will to the prudes and abstinent and sincerely hope them happiness (which they usually don’t have, as they just need to get laid more, that’s all.)

My advice is to just not worry about it. This is the life you know you have, and if you want to have a good time, meet new people, and try some crazy things in mindless hedonism I say go for it. As long as everybody leaves the encounter unharmed I don’t see any issue.

In regards to the significant other, I have slowly grown bored of the sex with mine, but I have found other ways to deeply treasure my relationship with her. I don’t think I can find anyone to replace her for me anymore—she worked her way into my heart and I’m stuck with her. Happily stuck with her.

(I don’t think she knows what I am doing on the side and I have been criticized for what I am doing multiple times on this site now, to which I say “fuck you, you don’t wear my shoes so I hope your dick falls off and you marry a miserable walrus” to my detractors. But alas, I digress.)

That said, don’t give up the search just yet. Find that one you are “happily stuck with” and do try to be chaste with her unlike me, but don’t fault yourself too hard if you fail.

You got this, brother.

 

[Frenchy]

That said, don’t give up the search just yet. Find that one you are “happily stuck with” and do try to be chaste with her unlike me, but don’t fault yourself too hard if you fail.

“Chaste” ? You meant faithful right?
I always thought chaste means having no sex

Now since we are in Dear- Auntie-advice-column mode (and since I love being envied and hated) what would you advise to a guy who is happily stuck but much less horny now than his sexy, affectionate, grateful -and a bit clingy to be honest- lady? I can still do the deed but she comes more often and harder than me. Bummer. Feeling like I’m the wife in this relationship

 

[Nibblzz]

“Chaste” ? You meant faithful right?
I always thought chaste means having no sex

Now since we are in Dear- Auntie-advice-column mode (and since I love being envied and hated) what would you advise to a guy who is happily stuck but much less horny now than his sexy, affectionate, grateful -and a bit clingy to be honest- lady? I can still do the deed but she comes more often and harder than me. Bummer. Feeling like I’m the wife in this relationship

My advice is to get her to DM me

 

[MikeH]

I always thought chaste means having no sex

Can also mean having no extramarital sex. Which should be easy, just never get married. And never to ask her status.

I can still do the deed but she comes more often and harder than me.

I thought that is just the 101 on How To Keep Your Girl? At least for us who do not have the money, looks or charm to keep them otherways.

 

[Frenchy]

Can also mean having no extramarital sex. Which should be easy, just never get married. And never to ask her status.



I thought that is just the 101 on How To Keep Your Girl? At least for us who do not have the money, looks or charm to keep them otherways.

Oh I learnt my lesson : if she wants it , I won’t refuse. Can’t say I have my periods, or even a headache. But 3 times a day, at my age?! Thank God we don’t meet everyday!

 

[Sudsy]

“Chaste” ? You meant faithful right?
I always thought chaste means having no sex

Now since we are in Dear- Auntie-advice-column mode (and since I love being envied and hated) what would you advise to a guy who is happily stuck but much less horny now than his sexy, affectionate, grateful -and a bit clingy to be honest- lady? I can still do the deed but she comes more often and harder than me. Bummer. Feeling like I’m the wife in this relationship

Outsourcing. You're a businessman - you know the answer is always outsourcing.

 

[Alice]

I'm sure a rehash of a question many have asked before, but a bit curious to get some insight from people older than me. I'm 34. I make decent money and am reasonably attractive (though I grew up a nerd). I've had 3 relationships of over 1 year long. Totally 8 years of relationships. I can get dates though I can't seem to find anyone worth dating seriously. I'm currently single, no kids. I'm born and raised in the US. Have lived in South America and Asia for about a year each cumulatively, but never indefinitely.

As with many on these forums, I'm pretty physically motivated. I like novelty in general, and I certainly enjoy novelty with having new sexual partners. To me sex is similar to food. I enjoy great food and I'd rather not eat the same meal everyday for the rest of my life. In all my relationships I've gotten bored with the sex after ~1 year. After which I have tended to seek out fulfillment in that dimension via other means. Porn is the path of least resistance and in the last relationship, the occasional mongering when traveling. But it began to eat at my conscience, as she was unaware. I'm pretty sure I want to do the family thing but I don't know how I could satisfy this part of me and be in integrity with someone I'm dating.

Questions:
1. How have others solved this? I'm sure there are many who had similar desires and still maintained a functional family life.
2. The US in particular seems to have a very thin line of opinion about relationships and cheating. What is your view on where the line is? How do guys make it work longer term? Most married guys I know have terrible sex lives (once a week to once a month to never). Some just give up on that dimension all together. Some monger very very occasionally with guilt. Some see it as a massage. How do folks quell their conscious or have balance?
3. I know for one, that if I'm in the exact same boat in 10 years I'd be upset. I don't feel like my beliefs about this topic have evolved much in the past 15 years. I really enjoy sex and variety. I enjoy having a close companion and partner to share life with. I worry that what I enjoy doesn't work with a traditional, western relationship. What other functional, long-lasting options are there that have some integrity?
4. I've read 2 books on polygamy. General take is that full on polygamy seems like way too much work. But things like manogamish sound more like what I'm curious about. A close emotional, and physical relationship with one person. And some openness to explore physically with other people from time to time. Have others tried this? Whether openly or not.

Yeah this is exactly why I’m only interested in open relationships.

I would hate lying to someone who is supposed to be the closest person to me.

Im also not very big on the polyamory thing where you have a few serious relationships who all have their expectations of you. I think being free to see new people spontaneously and more short term is actually chiller. Although I do want to be able to have long term bonds and contact with people but maybe not with too heavy expectations.

I’d say if you are not a jealous type of person you should explore the poly community and find someone who is on the same page of the rules of the relationship as you. Keep things equal and fair.
Doing things together like swinging can be great and keeps the sex in the base relationship more healthy as well.
If you’d rather not share that kind of experience you can just agree on which activities are allowed on which occasions and be open about it without too much details.

I think there are a lot of poly people in the US nowadays. I find it hard to come in contact with people who agree to such a relationship in Japan (though I have met people in happening bars and the alpha inn who do come with their spouse) although cheating is pretty much considered something everyone does.

 

[MikeH]

Outsourcing. You're a businessman - you know the answer is always outsourcing.

That is the solution the everything. Well, maybe not everything but at least for hand jobs. Close enough for me.

 

[MikeH]

if you are not a jealous type of person

Most guys who say that to get an open relationship actually found out they are much more jealous than they thought when they found out the amount of sex their girlfriend is having.

 

[Keihan]

I'm sure a rehash of a question many have asked before, but a bit curious to get some insight from people older than me. I'm 34. I make decent money and am reasonably attractive (though I grew up a nerd). I've had 3 relationships of over 1 year long. Totally 8 years of relationships. I can get dates though I can't seem to find anyone worth dating seriously. I'm currently single, no kids. I'm born and raised in the US. Have lived in South America and Asia for about a year each cumulatively, but never indefinitely.

As with many on these forums, I'm pretty physically motivated. I like novelty in general, and I certainly enjoy novelty with having new sexual partners. To me sex is similar to food. I enjoy great food and I'd rather not eat the same meal everyday for the rest of my life. In all my relationships I've gotten bored with the sex after ~1 year. After which I have tended to seek out fulfillment in that dimension via other means. Porn is the path of least resistance and in the last relationship, the occasional mongering when traveling. But it began to eat at my conscience, as she was unaware. I'm pretty sure I want to do the family thing but I don't know how I could satisfy this part of me and be in integrity with someone I'm dating.

Questions:
1. How have others solved this? I'm sure there are many who had similar desires and still maintained a functional family life.
2. The US in particular seems to have a very thin line of opinion about relationships and cheating. What is your view on where the line is? How do guys make it work longer term? Most married guys I know have terrible sex lives (once a week to once a month to never). Some just give up on that dimension all together. Some monger very very occasionally with guilt. Some see it as a massage. How do folks quell their conscious or have balance?
3. I know for one, that if I'm in the exact same boat in 10 years I'd be upset. I don't feel like my beliefs about this topic have evolved much in the past 15 years. I really enjoy sex and variety. I enjoy having a close companion and partner to share life with. I worry that what I enjoy doesn't work with a traditional, western relationship. What other functional, long-lasting options are there that have some integrity?
4. I've read 2 books on polygamy. General take is that full on polygamy seems like way too much work. But things like manogamish sound more like what I'm curious about. A close emotional, and physical relationship with one person. And some openness to explore physically with other people from time to time. Have others tried this? Whether openly or not.

You're 34 and still haven't figured yourself out. That's Warning Sign #1. Then, you've been in long-term relationships and cheated on your partner doing P4P and then you feel guilty about it. That's Warning Sign #2. What that tells me, and I'm absolutely not trying to criticize you, is you're of indecisive and weak character. A strong character would either 1) stay faithful to a partner he intended to have a future with (but you already knew you were tired of her), or 2) cheat on her and be perfectly proud of it. Nothing wrong with either path.

You have no idea what direction you want to take in life, you're almost 40 and at this point in life all you know is that you love a rotating assortment of vagina. Honest advice? Don't get married (at least to a normal girl) and for sure don't have kids yet. You're destined to fuck up your marriage and, worse, fuck up your kids. If you can find some swinger-type that's fine with open relationships then marry her if you like, but know that she's probably emotionally-damaged and sure-as-fuck not mother material.

"DLEE." Can I assume from this that you're Korean? If so, I can then assume that you can blame your uber-Christian nutjob upbringing for most of your guilt and self-hate. When you were 13, Pastor Cho and the congregation convinced you that masturbating and banging your classmates was a sin so you had a repressed youth. Now that you're old, it's coming back to haunt you.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd take a six month sabbatical and go live in either Thailand or the P.I., preferably the latter. You said you're financially ok, right? Take $30k with you and go rent a small flat in A.C. Go out and bang the living shit out of every bar girl that strikes your fancy, EVERY FUCKING DAY. Three, four, five, ten...however many girls your 34yo dick/balls can handle. Get all that repressed Korean Bible Camp bullshit out of your system. Fuck a few (dozen) ladyboys, while you're at it, just to make a point. Who knows? You might like it. But put your dick in anything and everything you possibly can, act out every disgusting fetish you've ever had, and then do it another fifteen times.

Then come home and re-evaluate your emotional situation. You might find that you're a very changed person, and perhaps ready to decide whether to become a family man...or perhaps you'll come to the realization that you're destined to just rock on in life banging ladyboys in the WalMart parking lot. Either situation can be a win.

 

[Frenchy]

Outsourcing. You're a businessman - you know the answer is always outsourcing.

Well some contracts clearly mention whether and which services can be outsourced or not. I didn’t sign anything but pretty sure here that the tacit contract is I can’t outsource orgasms .

 

[Sudsy]

Well some contracts clearly mention whether and which services can be outsourced or not. I didn’t sign anything but pretty sure here that the tacit contract is I can’t outsource orgasms .

Bring on the contractor as a direct hire then.