Good Adult Jokes

Here’s an oldie:

Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here. So here’s what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that was a pretty good deal, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. This was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair, with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No!,” Trump said. “I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I would do was break rocks all day.”

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor, with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!”

:p:):D
 
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Not a dirty joke but still funny. Dumb blond and busty brunette in California are sitting outside on the porch staring at the stars. Brunette asks the blonde which she thinks in farther in distance, California to the moon or California to New York. Ditzy blond replies "Duh, California to New York of course, you can see the moon from here"
 
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A young couple were having trouble conceiving and went to the fertility clinic.
There a young doctor told them of a new technique that was proving very successful.
It involved covering small ball-bearings in semen an inserting them in the ovaries.

The couple were at their wits end and so decided to go ahead with the procedure,

Sure enough, she got pregnant and the couple were extremely happy when they learned it was not a single baby, but quadruplets.

All goes well and 9 months later (10 months in Japan) the wife gives birth to 3 girls and a boy.

Life goes well for 12 years or so, and one day while mum was cooking dinner one of the girls comes running down the stairs to the kitchen, sobbing.

"Mummy Mummy, I just had my first period and a ball-bearing came out" she cried.
Mum thought back to the IVF process and consoled her daughter.

Half an hour later the 2nd daughter came flying in in tears.
"Mummy Mummy, I just had my first period and a ball-bearing came out" she wailed.
"there there honey,its not a problem" soothed mum.

Still cooking dinner, 20 minutes later the 3rd daughter came running in.
"Mummy Mummy, I just had my first period and a ball-bearing came out" she sobbed.
Mum's losing a bit of patience here, but still consoles her daughter.

25 minutes later little Charlie comes running in with a crazed look on his face.
"Mummy Mummy" he says.
"Yeah I know, You had your first period and a ball-bearing came out" interrupts mum

Charlie replies "Nah Mum, I was wanking and shot the cat"

---------------------------------------------
Collective groan!!!
 
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"Being locked down in the house with my wife for the last month isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

It's worse."


Joking but not joking, if you take my meaning.
 
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Found these oldie bits from the book Disorder in The Court (1992). It’s about things people said in court, taken down word for word, and published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

———

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

———

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

———

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral ...

———

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

———


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

———

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

———

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
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Alarm clock vibrator ... really ???
Available on amazon.com !
 
Lukes said:
For reals, I'm trying really hard to figure out how to make this image turn into a duck but I can't make it happen.
Click to expand...

Without your reply I wouldn't have taken another look with my phone and would have missed it totally too. Just could not see it with the PC. :p
 
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