Terrible Dad Jokes Thread

[Sudsy]

I've had the shittiest day....

14 fucking hours in the police station.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...

I mean, I was just sitting there doing nothing.

 

[MikeH]

Last night the storm tore off 25% of my roof.

oof

Here I am in the middle of the night, laying quietly in my bed, looking at all the beautiful stars above.

And thinking "where in the hell is my roof?".

 

[Majestyk]

While taking toilet paper from a shelf stacked to the ceiling at a local Walmart, the whole display fell on me!

At the clinic, the doctor said I’ll be fine because it was just soft tissue damage.

 

[Sudsy]

So, a little known story about King Kamehameha III of Hawai'i....

He actually collected the old chairs of past monarchs and stored them in a grandiose traditional thatched roof hut.

The hut caught fire one night and his entire collection was lost. This proves the old saying:

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

[AMcguyver]

Hope no one got stuck on the Metropolitan Expressway that night.

Personally I'm starting to get sick of driving on icy roads.

Up until now I was willing to let it slide.

 

[Majestyk]

So I finally told my suitcases that we’re not going anywhere for the third consecutive year because of tightened travel restrictions in light of Omicron and potentially other variants.

Now I’m stuck here dealing with all that emotional baggage.

 

[IchigoDave]

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

it got stuck in a crack.

 

[Sudsy]

So, when I was downtown earlier today, I saw clinic offering discount circumcisions.

Turns out it was just a rip off.

 

[Frenchy]

So, when I was downtown earlier today, I saw clinic offering discount circumcisions.

Turns out it was just a rip off.

i’m tempted to say I didn’t understand that one either and need further explanations. But no.

 

[Majestyk]

 

[AMcguyver]

I've noticed I only get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

 

[Majestyk]

 

[shadowboxer]

Two atoms were walking down the hallway when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!"
"Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm absolutely positive."

 

[Majestyk]

Kicking butt.
That’s what happens in a karate match.

 

[Majestyk]

 

[shadowboxer]

What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny.

 

[Majestyk]

 

[Majestyk]

 

[Sudsy]

View attachment 17562

Dude, can you keep this stuff to the anything goes thread? It's really not what this thread's been.

 

[Majestyk]

Dude, can you keep this stuff to the anything goes thread? It's really not what this thread's been.

Right. Copy.

 

[Frenchy]

Right. Copy.

Honestly, it was not terrible enough. I mean, I could understand them , for a start. Bad sign if I can get the joke

 

[Sudsy]

I've had a fantastic week... pulled a 700% return on a new cryptocurrency called Decibel.

It's a sound investment.

 

[AMcguyver]

Have to find a new optometrist. My old one quit to run for mayor.

He’s a real visionary.

 

[MikeH]

When discussing different sexual kinks with the Americans I always win when I reveal them I have a meter fetish.

 

[shadowboxer]

Q: What weapon can you make from the chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.