Good Adult Jokes

[Majestyk]

ER + V

Emergency room doctor attends to a man with 60 percent of his body burned.
“Give him two Viagras,” the doc tells the nurse.
Surprised with the order, the nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?"
Doc points to the patient and says, “No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

 

[Majestyk]

Barbie and Ken

Kids know far too much these days.
Today, in the doctor’s waiting room, I was gobsmacked to see this little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls, imitating the doggy position.
So I told her, "If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls."
The little girl looked at me with disgust and replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing it up her arse!"

 

[just4fun]

Barbie and Ken

Kids know far too much these days.
Today, in the doctor’s waiting room, I was gobsmacked to see this little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls, imitating the doggy position.
So I told her, "If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls."
The little girl looked at me with disgust and replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing it up her arse!"

View attachment 12795

She got her answer right LOL (all in good nature)

 

[Frenchy]

Barbie and Ken

Kids know far too much these days.
Today, in the doctor’s waiting room, I was gobsmacked to see this little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls, imitating the doggy position.
So I told her, "If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls."
The little girl looked at me with disgust and replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing it up her arse!"

View attachment 12795

Ah ah! Best one so far, thanks
PS: I did Playmobil orgies when I was a kid too... I hope my parents never found out

 

[Simonka]

+ *mid thrust* ..is your name Winter?
- ..?
+ Because I have a feeling you’ll be coming soon.

 

[just4fun]

In theatres everywhere soon.....

 

[MikeH]

In theatres everywhere soon.....View attachment 12817

Finally someone with a proper trigger discipline.

 

[IchigoDave]

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will fuck anyone.

A bitch will fuck anyone but you.

 

[just4fun]

 

[AMcguyver]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably."Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the 'ATR' button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

 

[Majestyk]

I wish all my TAG comrades a very happy Christmas! May all your wishes come true.

 

[AMcguyver]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

 

[Frenchy]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

had to google Peter Peter to get it

 

[Sudsy]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

 

[Majestyk]

Hmmm ...

 

[UnicornHunter]

A man on his way to work passed an apple vendor on the side of the road. Curious, the man asked, " How much for an apple?"

"$5 dollars."

"$5 dollars for one apple?! What's so special about?"

"It is a peanut butter and jelly apple."

Amused, the man forked over the money, got the apple and took a bite.

"I only taste the peanut butter!"

"Other side."

The man bites the other side of the apple and it tastes like jelly.

The next day the man goes to the vendor and asks for another apple.

"$10 dollars."

"Wait, yesterday it was $5 dollars...."

"This is the Ham and Cheese apple."

The man forks over $10 dollars and takes a bite.

"I only taste the ham!"

"Other side...."

He bites the other side and tastes the cheese.

The third day the man stops at the vender and asks for another apple...

"$100 dollars..."

Outraged the man says, "Why is this apple worth $100 dollars?!"

"This is the pussy apple..."

Man throws $100 at the vendor and takes a bite...

"This tastes like Shit!"

"Other side....."

 

[AMcguyver]

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed.
Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."

 

[Majestyk]

Let’s talk about stress, baby.

 

[AMcguyver]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU”.

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[Majestyk]

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

That s**t is the worst. I know a couple of mates who got cleaned out like that.

 

[AMcguyver]

That s**t is the worst. I know a couple of mates who got cleaned out like that.

Had a business associate who married a trust fund baby, built a successful business together, then when they divorced, her husband wiped her out financially and destroyed her reputation locally. Brutal.

 

[Majestyk]

Not a good look.

 

[MikeH]

Not a good look.

That looks like they are not trying to recreate the photo but the baby too.

 

[Majestyk]

When lying pays off.

 

[Frenchy]

When lying pays off.

View attachment 13063

lol! Thanks! Made my day
(Wish I could have this amazing ability but down there though...)